The Oldest Dilemna

Oh Eve.  If only you were available for an interview on Dateline or 20/20.  If only you were available to talk to women (and men) across the world who battle self control and doubt.  I imagine you would have an interesting perspective on the world today.  Alas, Eve is not available for a press conference.  We can however think about the third chapter of Genesis where Eve eats the apple.

I find it almost ironic that after consuming the sweet treat she suddenly becomes conscious and even consciousness of her nude body.  Our bodies are beautifully and intelligently designed, why are we so concerned about what they look like?  I’m a big proponent that the media has fueled a battle over what our bodies should look like verse what the average body actually looks like.  In this case though, the fire was fanned by Satan.

We begin to see a trend of Satan fueling our vices.  Whether those vices are food or alcohol, they can distract us from focusing on the fact we are made in the likeness of Christ.  Whether it is an apple or a giant slab of rich chocolate cake, it comes down to the same common theme: obedience.  How are our daily decisions fueling the fire of our vices? How are our daily decisions glorifying Christ?  One of the very best ways we can share our love for the Lord is through modeling behavior that glorifies his name.  How can your eating decisions better glorify God?

More than enough choices

In the last post I focused on being made in the Lord’s likeness from the first chapter of the Bible in Genesis.  This post is picking up right where that post left off. In fact, we left off on Genesis 1:26.  Today, I’m picking up at Genesis 1:27-30.  These verses point out that we have dominion over the cattle, fish, plants, and all the earth. 

So, we have dominion over plants and animals, what does this mean?  Simply stated, we have choices to make.  We are not left with dominion over just the fish; otherwise it would be sashimi (raw fish) for dinner, every single night. Instead, we have a plethora of choices.  We have endless options and combinations.  Just as important, if not more important, than the decision of what to eat, might be the decision of what not to eat. 

I feel bad for the people who had to discover that eating a blow fish could be fatal if not prepared correctly when they had feasted on plenty of other fish that nourished their bodies.  I also wish I could see the wonder and delight the first time someone tasted a fresh, ripe, ruby red strawberry.  We have the honor and the privilege to delight in treats like fresh fruit.  We also have a responsibility to avoid foods that could be harmful to our bodies. 

What foods are harmful to our bodies? I suppose that depends on who you ask.  Some might say red meat. Some might say foods with fat. Some might say artificially flavored foods.  The list is endless. It might be easier and more conducive to consider what foods do we delight in that fortify our bodies? What foods give us strength and energy to carry out the Lord’s work and provide for our neighbor?  These are the foods that are life sustaining.

When enough is enough

When I think of the many reasons obtaining a healthy weight and lifestyle are important, there is one that stands out most prominently.  Perhaps this number one reason stands out so predominately because it comes from the first book of the Bible, Genesis.  You and I have at least one thing in common.  We are made in God’s likeness (New King James Version, Gen. 1.26). Isn’t that incredible?  A few years ago I remember seeing a program that you could upload your photo to and it would tell you which celebrity you most looked like.  I’m sure that it did not suggest Jesus unless you had dark, long hair and a white robe.  I find it quite incredible that even if we all look different; we are all made in the Lord’s likeness. 

When I ponder how I can best exude the likeness I share with the Lord, the first thought that comes to my mind does not involve double chins.  It also doesn’t include being so thin my bones are countable through my skin.  Rather, when I think of the likeness, I think of health.  I think of working hard to provide sustenance, but not over abundance.  I think of having just “enough”.  This thought of having enough was originally brought to my attention by another Christian woman.  We worked in the same office and were discussing lifestyle changes around the water cooler.  I told her what program I was working on. She shared with me that her prayers had been simply for “enough”.  I inquired further.

She began to explain how she didn’t want to be starving, but she also didn’t want too much.  She was focusing on eating portions that sustained her, but nothing more.  She would eat until she was satisfied, not so full she hurt.  She would eat when she was hungry, but only dish up a small portion.  After all, she could find more to eat if she was still hungry.  Her concept was great for her own health and wellness, but it was also beneficial for being a good steward.  She could limit her impact on the environment and the economy.  Naturally, this lifestyle change spilled over in to every part of her life.  The concept of having just “enough” eased her budget.  By spending less on luxuries, she had enough left for charitable giving.  By making major purchases that fit her needs, but were not larger or fancier, she had enough to retire at a comfortable age.

The concept of enough seems to fit right alongside the idea of being made in the Lord’s likeness.  It’s a discipline that has a tremendous impact on not only how we fill our plates and bodies, but how we live our Christian lives.

Divine Intervention

On Saturday evening I attended a Bible Study.  We were finishing a book study that led us to a discussion about the Lord speaking to us. As I drove home, I drove in silence.  I asked the Lord to speak to me, tell me something profound, offer me words of wisdom, and tell me what’s next.  I sat in silence.  There wasn’t a loud gong or a beautiful butterfly.  A song didn’t suddenly play on the radio with words to guide me in a specific direction. Instead, a thought popped into my mind.  That thought will transform this blog (and gives me heart palpitations). 

Naturally, I am semi-petrified that the thought was, “Blog about how your faith intertwines with your need to lose weight.”  I tried to submerge the thought, but it continues to resurface. Why would I try to submerge it and why am I semi-petrified? Blogging about your weight and quest for health is relatively safe.  Blogging about your faith opens you up to persecution.  Even using some of these words make me worry that I will come across as a total nut.  I was raised in a Christian home.  Even when my parents were separated or divorced, we went to church every Sunday.  I was baptized, had my first communion, was confirmed, married in a church, and occasionally attend church.  I’m not what I think of when I think of “those holy roller” types who would write a blog about faith and weight.

I am just an average, female, middle class, American with an obesity issue.  I happen to be Christian.  I’m usually careful who I share this detail with.  I would prefer people ask me questions about my faith, rather than pass judgment on how I think or what I believe.  To clear a few things up, I believe in one God.  I believe in treating everyone with respect and loving they neighbor.  You, my neighbor, may be Buddhist and prefer to date women or men or both. I still love you.  You, my neighbor, may be atheist and vegan.  I still love you. You, my neighbor, may be any number of scenarios and I will choose to love you.  Not only do I believe in respect, but I also don’t think your faith has to look exactly like mine…or even remotely close to mine.  Some of the most spiritual people I know, don’t step foot inside a church.  Some of the most difficult, hypocritical, and any other negative adjective to describe people I know, go to church every Sunday without fail.  Attending to an organized religious event does not somehow determine what is in your heart.  Hopefully, you are either convinced that I am not a “crazy, holy roller” which helps you to decide this is a blog worth reading or you are now so offended that you stop here.  Either way, that’s okay.

If you have decided to keep reading, welcome.  Welcome, to this new journey I am embarking on. I have no idea what is going to come, but trust that just like I was led to revolutionize my blog, I trust that the words I need to express will naturally come forward.

That embarrasing moment when...

It takes quite a bit to embarrass me.  Growing up my dad took great joy in making sure we had "character".  He would do things that he thought were hilarious, like turning up the music really loud the block before dropping us off at middle school. This was in the late 90's. He was not jamming out to Hansen or Spice Girls. He was jamming out to BTO or the Beach Boys.  In retrospect, still great music, but it didn't exactly help my sister and I gain popularity points. All this to say, I am way past being embarrassed by situations that would probably embarrass other people.
This has probably hindered my urgency for weight loss at different points. I'm not embarrassed by my weight. In fact, even at my heaviest, I never have been. I am who I am.  That is until someone shared a recent "memory" of me.
I was talking about how lately I have really struggled with my eating choices. Yes. Me. This blogger who wants to be encouraging and only share sunshine and happiness, gets discouraged.  I know I'm not going to quit. I'm in this for the long haul. My mantra recently has been, "A river cuts through rock not by power, but perseverance." Yes, if I just persevere, I will get there. It may be slower than I would like, but it will happen.  Despite having a good attitude about that piece of it, I still have days in a row where I make less than optimal decisions.  I do get frustrated when I feel myself slipping into complacency. Anyway, I knew I needed a pep talk and shared with a couple people where my head was at. 
After sharing with one person, she decided to tell me her first impression of me. Brace yourself. I wish I would have! She said that when she first saw me, it was from behind. I was sitting in a plastic backed black chair.  My back fat spilled over the back of the chair, swallowing it like a whale swallowing a school of fish. Now, my back fat only barely bumps out from the same chair.
Bleck. My stomach did a flip...somewhere between that feeling when you want to vomit and a sinking weight of impending doom.
For the first time in my life I was/am embarrassed by my weight. She of course shared this with me to encourage me. It was a moment of, "look how far you have come! Keep going!"  Still, it stung.  I am most conscious of my back and back fat. If it really were possible to target fat loss, I would start there. Alas it's not. So, onward I march. Onward toward my goal.
P.S. I'm doing great again, feeling motivated, and on my way to success!

Why?

I have been working through a weight loss workbook. One of the questions posed was, "Why did you start?" I have thought about it for a full 24 hours and still don't have an exact answer.  I remember my first attempt at weight loss was when I was six. I remember another attempt at eight. I am guessing those attempts were to be more like my little friends. In high school I made another attempt. That one was probably again more for vanity and to avoid being teased at school.  I didn't seriously attempt weight loss again until a few months before our wedding.  Even then, I only vaguely remember thinking that all brides try to lose weight before their wedding. It was as common as getting a tan, having your hair done, etc.  So, I lost 20 pounds. 
Somewhere during that initial phase of losing 20 pounds, my husband's grandfather was on his death bed. He had lost his wife a few years earlier and thought (rightly so) that many of her health issues were weight related.  I promised him days before he died that I would do everything I could to improve my health and my husband's.  Grandpa didn't want our hearts to feel the heartbreak his had. The promise I made him has been a factor that has fit into the equation ever since.
I thinking the "why" behind my weight loss is just as much about that questionn as it is about the "why not". I don't really see any negative impact from losing weight.  I guess the worst part has been having to buy new clothes. You have to buy new clothes periodically anyway though, so it might as well be a smaller size. I don't notice an impact on our grocery bill.  The cost to eat healthy has cost about the same as what it cost us to eat junk food.  I would like to mention that I think weight loss is like an insurance policy of sorts.  I am making an investment now, that in the future will reap many benefits. For example, I pay a monthly fee for my weight loss program.  Someone asked me if I minded spending as much as I do. No, of course I don't. Even if it costs me $1 a day, that would be roughly $365. A single trip to the doctor for an obesity related illness is going to cost more than that. Surgery? Yeah, that will cost triple (with good insurance). 
So I guess the answer to my why is another question, "Why not?"

Define Me...

I have long believed that there was a large amount of discrimination based on weight. I had this confirmed by a very close friend once who shared with me, “Before I met you, I thought all overweight people were lazy and shy.”  Sure, I was flattered that I helped personify the fact I can be active, outgoing, and far from a size two.  On the other hand, I thought, “Wow, if this is my best friend who thinks this way, imagine what people who haven’t gotten to know me must think!”  To some extent I find myself compensating for this by sharing with people who are threatening or even seem super fit, what I am doing to be fit, healthy, and everything but lazy. I have even wondered before if I was passed up for jobs because of my weight.  Not that I applied to work at a health club or anything, but in general I could be a threat to an insurance company or cost a small employer more money in theory if I had obesity related health issues.  Even though these ideas crossed my mind, I was still shocked by a scenario at work.

My position involves helping students learn to interview well, build their resumes, and find jobs in the work force.  Part of this experience involves an internship.  Recently, an employer interviewed and hired a non-paid intern.  A week in to the internship we received a phone call that they did not want to continue the internship. Why? Because they didn’t feel the person’s fitness level and outward appearance personified health.  This was a medical office. The student was going to be there for about one month.  They could not handle one month of someone who is overweight, not even obese, working in their front office.

I felt a quick jab to my heart and wrench in my stomach. Part of me wanted to swoop in and save the beautiful young lady from whatever hurt she might be caused.  Then, rage set it in. I wanted to storm in and correct their thought process. Finally, I accepted that this time of discrimination is part of the world we live in. I am not doing anyone any favors by protecting them from the world.  I did make a mental note to never ever ever ever ever ever (okay you get it, never ever) step foot in that clinic or send a student there again. 

In an odd way, this motivated me.  My obesity does not define who I am. It’s just like any other medical condition. You would not refer to a friend as “the diabetic” or “the cripple” because they are more than a disease, they are a human being.  I am who I am and part of that means I deal with eating and weight issues on the side.  I’m not going to be defined by a number on the scale. I am going to be defined by my compassion, zest for life, and outgoing personality.  I am going to be a wife, sister, aunt, daughter, and friend. I am going to be me.  Part of being me and wanting to be my very best self includes working toward a healthier lifestyle, but that will not define me.  It will motivate me. It will push me to conquer barriers, jump over hurdles, and come out on the other side victorious in the war against obesity! I, my friends, will be defined by MY success!

Just keep swimming, just keep swimming

Some days are easier than others. Some days are an uphill battle.  I could easily come up with excuses for why some days are more difficult. I could say I am stressed. I could say the company I work for has bought me lunch five out of seven days.  I could say all of this and more.  It doesn't matter. At the end of the day they are just excuses. Nothing more than mere words. 
Ultimately, it's my decision. It's my decision to raise and lower my fork. To move food in to my mouth.  I was struck about a year ago when someone someone was sharing a story with me. This is how the story went. Jane was really worried about her friend Dick. Dick smoked cigarettes. One day Jane approached Dick.  She shared with him her concern, her worry, her desire for him to live out his years in a happy and healthy manner.  Dick responded, thoughtfully, my need to put down the cigarette is as great a need as your need to put down the fork.  Jane was addicted to food. Dick was addicted to cigarettes. Both Dick and Jane were slowly killing themselves.

Since hearing this story, I have tried to be less judgemental of others. I have tried to be more open to the fact I have a problem, an addiction, and I need help.  My addiction just happens to be slightly more socially acceptable than smoking a pack a day. Ultimately, my decision to maintain or status quo is just that, my decision.

The Magic of a Massage

Yesterday I got a massage.  I am not the type of person who usually goes for a massage, but had a gift card.  It's not that I don't enjoy massages, it's just that in my head it seems strange to just get a massage and go home or get a massage and go back to work.  So, I have gotten massages only on vacation or after a major event.  My sister gifted me a massage three years ago.  When I went to use the gift card there was a mix up and the massage therapist didn't show up.  When they offered to rebook the massage it was free.  Since then this studio has just been a hassle to book at. Also, I am bad at making appointments for myself unless there is a pressing need.  I had a full day off and decided it was a perfect day for a massage.
As I waited for the massage therapist to take me back, I got to thinking...since I am smaller, there is less of me to massage. Which kind of means I get a more focused massage.  That's a nice perk of weighing less.
Toward the end of my massage, which was wonderful, I was thinking about how much self love I felt.  Something about my massage made me want to only put really good foods in my body.  I don't mean really good like Girl Scout cookies.  I mean really good like fresh, home made, natural ingredients.  Since my massage, every time I go to eat something, I think...this would be so much better if everything was made with love.  For example...my dinner tonight was a tortilla with pizza sauce, turkey pepperoni, and homemade mozzarella.  The mozzarella was yesterday's project on cooking with love.  I wanted to make my own marinara or after I had spread the sauce on, just use something simple like olive oil and herbs.
My massage really had nothing to do with my eating habits, but it's kind of amazing how a little self love through relaxation grew in an instant.  I am happier and healthier.  That's the magic of my massage...

Ground Zero

I’ve thought about starting this blog for a couple years.  Up until yesterday I worked at a job that consumed 60+ hours a week.  I was often on the road and had business meetings with little control over the menu.  I had control over the portions and my emotions, but not all of the menu items.  Despite this chaos, I have managed to lose a considerable amount of weight.  Tomorrow, I start a new journey in my career.   This journey should provide me with more time.  What a better way to ring in a new chapter than by writing one? Welcome to my new blog.

I mentioned that I have lost a considerable amount of weight.  What does that mean? It depends on your perspective. If you have ten pounds to lose, you will think I have practically climbed Mount Everest. If you have 200 pounds to lose, you will chuckle and say, “That’s cute.”  From my perspective, I started this journey with 149 pounds to wash away off my 318 pounds body before I moved into the “normal” range for my body mass index or bmi. Yes, I am 5’9”.  I have lost almost 65 pounds.  Really, my ground zero was 318 pounds. That moment where things could get worse health wise, but I had an opportunity to rebuild.

How? What was my secret? What did I do to defy all odds to find a little success? That’s an answer you already know.  I stuck with a program that fits for me.  I am not exactly sure when this journey “began”.  All I know is this is a journey without a specific destination.  I just want to continue to better me. I remember the first time someone commented on my weight I was six years old.  A mother of another obese kindergartner commented on the fact I looked like I had lost some weight.  I responded with grace, “I cut out some snacks.” Wow. Reflecting on that moment, I am shocked the whole transaction took place.  Later, my step-grandparents came to visit. They were home all day while my sister and I were at school.  After school we were able to eat a snack.  They offered me cash if I went the whole week without a snack.  I believe part of the deal was I had to keep the transaction a secret, but I have a big mouth (no pun intended) and told my dad.  He was upset.  A few days later there was a large disagreement and the step grandparents have not really been a major factor in my life since then. I think I was somewhere around nine years old. At 13 I attended TOPS meetings with my parents for a short time. I was playing volleyball and managed to lose a little weight, but that was short lived.  In high school I decided to join Weight Watchers, but was not the one buying groceries, preparing the food, or planning the school lunch menu.  I was also surrounded by women two or three times my age.  I didn’t last long there either.  Finally, I moved out of the house and went to college.  I’m not sure at what point I hit my highest weight.  I’d guess it was shortly after I met my husband.

When I met my husband I was in my senior year of college. I was working a 40 plus hour a week job, going to school, doing an internship, and had an eight hour a week job on top of that.  I lived with someone who was so in to food they went to work for a catering company.  I often ate McDonalds for breakfast, might skip lunch, and eat supper from another fast food chain. My now husband worked a 3pm- 11pm job at the time. When he got off work, we would go eat buffalo wings together or get food from Taco Bell. We were dating on top of this, so would eat out for a “real” dinner once or twice a week on top of this.  Surprising that the scale weighed me in at over 300 pounds, isn’t it? Oh, it’s not. That’s right.  Those portions and calories are astronomical!

After my husband proposed, I graduated college, and realized my wedding was in three months, I got serious about weight loss. I lost 20 pounds before my wedding. Enough to move me under the 300 pound mark.  I maintained fairly well for the next few years, even after I quit following the program I was doing.  A couple years later I embarked on a new weight loss adventure. I kept off roughly the same 20 pounds and was ready to get down even further.  I went to a center that focused on high protein, eating off a list of whole foods, and supplementing with “high nutrient supplements”.  I managed to lose another 40 pounds.  I had two major surgeries and gained the weight back in just a few weeks! I coasted at this weight for a while before going to Weight Watchers.  I once again lost about 30 pounds before I went through In Vitro Fertilization and was pregnant.  Soon after I had a miscarriage. I had prepared myself to hear I was pregnant or not pregnant.  When I found out I was pregnant, I was on top of the moon.  I was thrilled. Words cannot describe how happy I was at that time.  Shortly after, I had a miscarriage.  I was sad. I was hurt. I was cold to the world around me. In fact, I don’t have much memory of what happened during about a four month period of time.  It wasn’t until I met with my fertility doctor again on the way to be a bridesmaid in my best friend’s wedding that my memory really starts again.  When I decided I was ready to pursue weight loss again, I knew this had to be the last time.  I once again weighed in at just over 300 pounds.

That was over a year ago. I have attended Weight Watcher’s meeting every since.  I know that being on this plan, maintaining this lifestyle, will be a part of me for the rest of my life.  This is not the dreaded, “d” word of diet.  This is my life.  When I thought about what plan I wanted to do, I realized that for me, I was happiest on this program.  This was the program I could do forever and ever.  I have lost my weight slower than a lot of people at the meeting, but it’s not a race.  I’m now smaller than I was when I graduated high school, got married, and became an aunt.  I’ve known for a few years I have a metabolic disorder.  I’m not defined by it. I’m not defined by the weight I carry. I’m defined by my strength and perseverance.